ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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