I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize