is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
