You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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