So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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