so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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