I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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