Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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