the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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