I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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