Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
