I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
