we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
