My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so explain again why im purple
no
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
