im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
