I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
