Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
