you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
