In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
