just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
