I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
