they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
