she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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