I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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