You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize