the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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