I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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