***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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