I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
