wrigley field is MILF paradise
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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