She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize