this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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