I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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