I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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