Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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