I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
