a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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