I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
