Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I got inside last night via doggy door
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
