I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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