everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
