If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i now understand why vodka
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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