you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
