Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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