Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
