Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
