you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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