I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
