I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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