I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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