it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
