you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize