Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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