new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
