After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
