So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
