Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
FUCK WHALES
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
