Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
