dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
