just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
