dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
